How Active Listening Can Comfort and Support Your Loved Ones
February 04, 2024
Most people reading this article will have experienced a time in their life when they were comforted by a close friend or family, or have experienced a time when they had to comfort a loved one. In such instances, the first words of comfort are usually advice on how to fix the problem. An answer may seem obvious from a bystander’s perspective, but it is often not what someone needs. It is easy to assume that we know better than the person in pain and that they should listen to our simple solution.
This approach often discredits the emotional duress of a situation. It is highly likely that the person in distress has thought about different solutions to their problem and is aware of the steps that they need to take. However, those steps become a perilous journey through dangerous lands when we’re distressed. Think about it this way, on a regular day, taking a shower is as simple as, well, taking a shower. On a day when you are emotionally exhausted, the action of taking a shower can turn into multiple tiring tasks that you do not have the energy for – taking off your clothes in a potentially cold bathroom, stepping into the shower and adjusting the right temperature, washing your hair with shampoo, applying conditioner, washing your body, stepping out of the shower and drying yourself off with a towel, and then finding clean clothes to wear. And just like that, a seemingly simple solution can feel like an additional burden rather than an answer for someone in a difficult situation.
The point of this article is not to shame or make anyone feel bad about giving advice, sometimes support can be as easy as spotlighting an answer to the problem for someone. But, there is another way to provide emotional support and that is active listening. Most of us see listening as an innate skill that is as simple as breathing, but active listening is the act of being fully engaged and trying to understand what the other person is saying. This can be more difficult than it sounds. How many times have you thought about something happening in your life while your friend was speaking? How many times did you think of what you wanted to say instead of fully immersing yourself in what your loved one is telling you?
Active listening starts with body language
It is important to uphold “open” body language, such as eye contact and facing the speaker. For people who do not feel comfortable with eye contact (this applies both to you and the person you are engaging with), mirroring a person’s body language can act as an alternative. Act in a way that makes the other person comfortable, do not overthink the “right” posture. In the same way, do not think of an “ideal” answer, instead focus on what they have said. You can ask yourself: What are they trying to convey to me? If I was telling the story, what would I want this person to take away from it? What question would I like them to ask me?
The power of active listening
When a loved one is in distress, active listening can improve the empathy you feel for them. Instead of offering help, imagine what the person is feeling and what emotions their language is trying to portray. It is important to stay focused on the content of their speech and reflect on their feelings. Telling them that their emotions are justified and showing that you understand the emotional turmoil, that they are going through, will make them feel understood and less lonely. Just having your experience and emotions justified can alleviate feelings of depression and anxiety. Sometimes, the answer to someone’s distress is just providing understanding and empathy. Active listening also builds trust and improves relationships, which can make someone feel like they can fully open up to you and explain in detail what exactly is plaguing them.
Asking open-ended questions, requesting clarification when needed, and paraphrasing what someone has said to you can also show that you are exhibiting active listening. As mentioned, thinking about how you can paraphrase or summarize what someone has said is not the point of active listening, these are skills that can help you connect but should not be used as a “to-do” list that you can mentally tick off in a conversation. Connection is at the forefront of active listening. It can be difficult to apply these skills while also focusing on what you are being told, but active listening is a skill like any other that you nurture with experience.
If you are feeling like you are not being listened to by your close friends and family, or just need someone to understand how you are feeling, Mindsum therapists are here to help you. Each of them utilises active listening skills to connect with you and provide a judgement-free safe space.